Why We Fight With People We Love and Our Prayers Aren’t Answered – James 4:1-12

Conflict is everywhere. Just think of the classic fight in marriage: 

My wife says the dreaded words: “What do you want for dinner?”

“I’m not picky, what do you want?”

She shrugs. “I don’t care. You decide.”

So I take a shot. “Pizza?”

“No, not pizza.”

“Chinese?”

“We just had that.”

“Sandwiches?”

“I’m tired of sandwiches. Let’s just do pizza.”

“Nah, that doesn’t sound good anymore.”

Ahhh! Conflict. 

It’s been 20 years, and we still can’t decide dinner. 

Conflict is inevitable. People have different personalities, different religions, different politics, different emotions, different desires, and so on. 

And worse, for many of us, it is not just in our city, but our neighborhood, our office, our school, and our home.

If you don’t know me, my name is Brandon, I’ve been a pastor for over 18 years and seen all kinds of conflict. Couples on the verge of divorce. Kids who won’t talk to their parents. Former friends who can no longer be in the same room. They always have a reason for their inability to get along, but it goes deeper than most think.

So today, I want to talk about the root of all of this conflict, according to the Bible. And why it not only causes conflict with people, but even causes God to not answer our prayers. 

We’ve been walking through the book of James, and today we are in James 4:1-12, where James directly answers the question of what causes all of these arguments and fights.

In the first section, he talks about the root of the conflict, and then he shows us the cure to conflict. 

The Root of Conflict (James 4:1-6)

1 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. 4 You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5 Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? 6 But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. (ESV)

Now, let’s unpack what we just read. 

What causes arguments and fights: James says it’s your “passions at war within you”. 

The Greek word for passion is hedonon (ἡδονῶν) it’s where we get the word hedonism—the belief that pleasure is the highest good and ultimate pursuit. 

So this verse literally means your “pleasures” are at war. A better way to say this today is that your desires are at war, the things you think will give you pleasure.

Conflict is a war of desires. When we are at odds with someone, we desire one thing, and they desire something else.

You desire a conversation with your husband or wife, but they seem more interested in their phone. 

You want an employee to show up on time, but have no desire to set an alarm clock. 

You want your kids to make good choices, but they keep following the wrong crowd.

At all points of conflict, there is a difference in desires. These differing desires show up in different thoughts, emotions, or behaviors that spark the conflict. You have an unmet desire at war in you, creating conflict with others.

So as James says, these unmet desires lead to emotional outbursts, arguments, even murder. We kill and fight and stab with our words because we can’t get what we want!

And then James shifts from our conflict with people to a conflict with God. He says, do you know why you don’t have what you want? You don’t ask.

We fail to ask God for it. But even when we do ask God, we do it wrong. 

Have you ever asked God for something and wondered why you didn’t get it? One of the reasons is because you may be doing it wrong. 

It’s not about saying the right words. James doesn’t say anything about that. But look closely, it is about your motives. Why are you asking God for this thing you desire? 

When we are asking to satisfy our selfish desires, not what God desires, we aren’t going to receive anything. It is all rooted in pride and self-centered thinking.

So James laments that we are adulterous people. He isn’t talking about adultery in our marriages. He is talking about adultery in our relationship with God. Instead of remaining faithful and steadfast in our love for him, we fall in love with the things of the world.

And the Bible could not be more clear that there is no middle ground here. You cannot serve two masters. You cannot have two loves. You cannot love God and love the world. 

Therefore, “friendship with the world is enmity with God.” 

In other words: Worldliness is warfare.

And this is the root of all conflict: our love for the world puts us at war with God and then extends to other people.

Our love for the world makes us choose worldly things over God. And our love for the world makes us fight for our worldly desires against other people.

And James reminds us in verse five that God is jealous for us. He desires a relationship with us. He made you. He loves you. And he wants you back. And his grace is greater than anything the world offers. But we love the world. We choose our desires over God. It’s an act of prideful rebellion. 

And therefore James warns, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” If you pursue your desires, you choose war with God. Worldliness is warfare. That’s the root of all conflict. 

But the good news is there’s a cure: God gives grace to the humble. And that’s what James talks about in the second part of this section. 

The Cure for Conflict (James 4:7-12)

7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you. 11 Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. 12 There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

So if Worldliness is warfare, the good news is that Humility is healing .

Humility and submission to God is the cure for conflict. And James gets very specific about what that looks like. He fires off ten commands in rapid succession: submit to God, resist the devil, draw near to God, cleanse your hands, purify your hearts, be wretched, mourn, weep, let your laughter turn to mourning, and humble yourselves before the Lord. That’s not a casual suggestion. That’s the posture of someone who has seen themselves clearly, who has looked at their pride and their worldliness and genuinely grieved over it. Instead of following our selfish worldly ways, we humbly submit to God. We mourn over our pride and rebellion, and we genuinely repent. 

The weeping and gloom that James is talking about here is not a command that Christians should always be sad and gloomy. Joy is a hallmark of Christianity. But these are genuine emotions of true repentance. You are broken by the weight of the shame and guilt of your sin so you weep and mourn and humble yourself before the Lord. And then you receive God’s grace and mercy, which leads to ultimate joy.

And this genuine repentance shows in our words. Instead of speaking evil and acting as the judge, we humble ourselves and allow God to be the judge. We let go of the offense against us, forgive as God forgives, and trust that he will judge in the end, so we don’t have to try to do God’s job for him. 

If to sum all of this up: Worldliness is warfare; Humility is healing.

Four Steps to Stop Fighting

So what? How does this apply to your life?

This may hit you hard because you are in a conflict right now. Maybe you are thinking about a broken relationship. Damage has been done. And it feels like God isn’t answering your prayers.

First, humble yourself and accept and receive the grace and forgiveness of Christ. Mourn and weep over your sin, and receive God’s grace. Reconcile first with God, giving up your worldly ways, and then you will be equipped to reconcile with others. God will hear your prayers when you humble yourself and align your prayers with his will. 

Second, identify your desire at the root of your conflict. What pleasure are you seeking that has not been met? Is it really their fault? Do you really need this desire met? Are you being self-centered? 

Third, understand the other person’s desire in the conflict. What do they want? Is it reasonable? Is it understandable? Why don’t you see eye-to-eye. 

Finally, apologize. Humble yourself before the person you are in conflict with, and own up to your mistakes.

There are some of you today who have a broken relationship that you are sad about, but you think you had no fault in it. Maybe you are right, but what if your pride is the real problem? You don’t think you did anything wrong, and that may be what’s wrong. You are sad and bitter and hurt and waiting for the other person to make the first move. Maybe it’s time for you to swallow your pride, and make the first move toward peace.

Stop waiting for the other person to admit their fault, and send the text or make the call right now. Own up and apologize for whatever wrong you have done. And don’t force them to apologize for their mistakes. Just take the first step, set the table for reconciliation, and watch what God does with it.

And remember: Worldliness is warfare; Humility is healing.

So let go of your worldly desires, which create this conflict within you that spills into conflict with God and other people. And receive the peace of God today and the reconciliation that he alone makes possible.