20 Lessons from 20 Years of Marriage
My wife and I just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary, and our marriage is wonderful. We got married super young. It hasn’t always been perfect, and it hasn’t always been easy. We’ve been through some really good times, and some really hard times. But through it all, we have a fantastic marriage because we’ve put a lot of work into it.
So here are 20 things I’ve learned in 20 years of marriage. I wish I had known a lot of these before the wedding.
1. God created marriage, so it works best when you do it His way.
Marriage was his idea. When we stray from God’s path and try to operate in ways different than God intended our marriage to be, it always leads to chaos, it always leads to destruction.
God invented it. So listen to him and follow his commands.
2. Selfishness is the enemy of marriage because marriage is when two become one.
If you are selfish in your relationships, it is not going to go well for you. Marriage is a unity of two souls, the combining of two people, where the two become one (Genesis 2:24). When you are selfish, you create division and difficulty within that union.
Marriage is a constant growth process of laying down myself and seeking how I can serve the other. It’s not “How can I get what I want?”, it’s “How can we both win?”
3. Lead in humility and repentance.
You’re both sinners who make mistakes. Own it, and apologize for all of them. When two people come together, you’re still bringing your baggage. You’re both sinful, broken, imperfect people, and you amplify that when you’re in close proximity with one another. You’re going to make mistakes. So lead the way.
Humbly own your mistakes, humbly repent over the things you’ve done, and apologize for them. Set that example, and hopefully your spouse will do the same.
When you both humbly own it, your relationship will be much stronger because mistakes will happen. So own it.
4. Compete in who can serve the most, and you both win.
This is something my wife and I try to do. We literally have a competition of who can serve the other better. And I’ll tell you what, it’s the greatest thing, because when we’re both serving, we’re both winning!
If one person is selfishly doing it all for themselves, just take, take, take, it makes the marriage pretty tough. But when you’re both serving and giving your best, you both win.
5. Talk all day, every day, about everything.
Getting ready in the morning, on the phone through the day, and off the screens every night. This has been so good for my marriage. We just talk all throughout the day.
We work in different directions, so we talk on the car ride there. We text each other throughout the day just to check in on how things are going. When something’s important, and I need to make a big decision, I call her, and we talk about it. Then at night, turn off your screens, put your phones down for a little while, turn off the TV, and spend some intentional time just talking face-to-face.
Later, if you want to turn something on, go for it. But that constant communication is so important. Communication is key in a good marriage.
6. Marriage is not 50/50.
Each should give 100 percent, even on the days when you have less to give than the other. It’s not “I did my half, now you have to do your half.” It’s both of us giving everything we can each day, even if all I have to give isn’t quite that much.
When you have that mentality, each giving the best you can, it’s amazing how much better the relationship can be. Not “I did my half. Where’s your half?”
7. Share everything.
Calendars, bank accounts, cars, passwords, secrets, showers, everything. Share it all. What’s hers is mine, what’s mine is hers. There is nothing I own that isn’t hers as well.
We’re a little weird on this; we don’t even have “his” and “her” cars. We have different cars, and whatever one works best for each of us that day is the one we drive. We share it all.
It’s not “this is your stuff, this is my stuff, this is your space, this is my space.” Everything belongs to each of us. We don’t separate our money, our calendars, or our email. Everything is accessible and open, and that’s a beautiful thing.
8. Fight for each other, not with each other.
You’re on each other’s team, in the same corner. Fight against the difficulties in the world. They’re coming. Fight those things, not one another. You need each other.
It’s hard enough out there without internal battles. Rather than fighting one another, fight for the other person. How can I help you? How can I keep you here? How can I make you more comfortable? Fight for making their life better, for making them feel more secure and safe and good, not against one another.
Align your goals and take on the world back to back, side by side, fighting together.
9. Your anger will not produce their righteousness.
Patience and prayer might. The righteousness of God is not produced by the anger of man (James 1:20).
Me getting mad and yelling more is not going to make them a better person. But when I’m patient, and when I’m praying and aligning myself more with God as I pray for them, that’s going to make a difference, that’s going to make an impact.
More yelling doesn’t help. All yelling and anger does is make the other person get defensive or beat down. It doesn’t make them better.
10. Purity before marriage is training for faithfulness in marriage.
Immorality before marriage is training for infidelity in marriage. So train to win.
Being totally transparent, my wife is the only person I’ve ever been with, and it’s helped our marriage be strong because we were training on Christian principles for purity and faithfulness to the person we would marry one day by staying pure until marriage.
The people I’ve known who slept around or had multiple partners before marriage, many of them, not all, but many, ended up having problems in their own marriage too, because they were training for a life of unfaithfulness.
Don’t think you suddenly get married and everything changes, and it’s easier. No way. Start training to win now.
11. Before you speak, listen and try to understand.
This is one I really wish I had known earlier. I often would just speak without taking the time to listen and try to understand what my wife was really trying to say. Often it was something beneath the words she was saying, something coming from her heart that I needed to understand, not just the thoughts or the principles.
So before you open your mouth, listen. Seek to understand first.
12. Never argue in absolutes.
I know that’s an absolute, but it’s one of the few I’ll argue. Never do it. When you say things like “you always” or “you never,” those words carry so much weight because they exclude any exceptions. But life doesn’t work that way, does it? They can think of five different times they didn’t do what you say they always do. It’s not helpful, it’s just hurtful. So don’t use absolutes.
Talk about how it makes you feel instead. Instead of “you never do this, you always do that,” say “when you do these things, I feel this way.” That’s a much better way to discuss your problems and help the other person see why you’re frustrated, rather than pointing fingers and throwing out absolutes. It’s just always hurtful, and it doesn’t help. Stop it. Never argue in absolutes.
13. Unspoken expectations beg for disappointment.
When you have an expectation and fail to communicate it with your husband or wife, it’s going to lead to disappointment. How can they meet an expectation you’ve never told them you have? This could be something massive, or it could be something very small, like how many times you’re going to have dinner together each week, or who’s taking out the trash that night. Whatever the expectation, no matter how big or small, if you fail to communicate it, you’re just begging for disappointment. So talk about them.
Seek to understand your own expectations, help the other person understand them, and make sure they’re reasonable. Sometimes we hold very unreasonable expectations and don’t even realize it until they’re broken. Then we’re hurt and frustrated and angry, and the other person never had a shot, because they never knew.
14. Validate their feelings before trying to fix their problems.
This is something I wrestle with so much. My wife gives me a problem, and I’m like, “Don’t worry, I have a solution, I’ll swoop in and save the day!” And she gets frustrated. Then I get mad because I’m just trying to help, and she’s frustrated because she didn’t want me to fix her problem.
She’s not dumb. She knows the answers. She wanted me to validate her feelings, to say, “Dang, that sucks, you must feel this way, I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now.” That’s what she needs. Then, once I’ve validated her feelings, she’s ready for me to swoop in and save the day.
15. Forgive fast and free.
Don’t hold grudges. Don’t keep digging up old things from the past that you should have let go of a long time ago. Forgive. If you can’t let it go, if you’re still holding that grudge, that resentment, that thing you think they still owe you for, stop. You have to forgive fast, and forgive freely, not “you owe me this thing, or you need to do this, so I’ll continue to forgive you.”
There are going to be a lot of times you make mistakes, a lot of times you hurt one another’s feelings. You’re both sinful people coming together in close proximity, there’s going to be tension and conflict and mistakes.
Forgive fast and free. Your marriage will be so much happier.
16. You married one person who will be multiple people over many years.
Embrace the changes, and learn to love each of them in every season. There will be different seasons in life where you grow and change. The person I am today is not the person I was 20 years ago. My body has changed, my thoughts have changed, my beliefs have changed. There’s a lot I’ve grown in, and there are some new bad habits I need to work on. That’s life.
You’re constantly growing, adapting, and changing, and so is your spouse. Learn to embrace the differences, learn to embrace the changes. What I needed in one season of life may not be what I need in this season. Grow together, and go into marriage knowing that. If you’re hoping to freeze that person in the time capsule of the moment you married them, expecting they’ll never change, you’re in for some serious disappointment. People change, people grow, people age. It’s part of life.
When you’re married, you’re in it for every season with that person, no matter how they change. Love them through it.
17. A shared faith in Jesus keeps you moving in the same direction, pursuing the same goals, speaking the same language, holding the same values.
This is so, so critical. My wife and I both love the Lord and genuinely seek to follow Him, and because of that, we’re moving in the same direction, pursuing the same goals and values, speaking the same terminology about the way we view the world.
When you start out, you may have some different beliefs. But over time, if you’re pointing in different directions, that gap only widens. When you’re pursuing the same goal, though, you’re on the same path, getting closer over time as you chase it together.
Have a shared faith in Jesus, and your relationship will be so much better.
18. Love is a choice, not just a feeling.
Choose to love them as best you can every day. There will be times you don’t feel that loving feeling inside. On your wedding day, sure, it’s amplified, “I love this person, they’re the greatest,” and you feel so good. But there will be other days you wake up grumpy and frustrated because they’re doing that annoying habit again, still snoring, or whatever it is. You’re not feeling so loving in that moment. You have to choose to keep loving.
Love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a choice. It’s an action, something you do. Keep choosing to love even when you don’t feel it, and eventually, those feelings will come back. They’ll go, and they’ll come again, because you still love that person and you’re choosing to love them every single day, the best way you’re able.
19. Steal moments to escape together.
Anniversary getaways, weekend drives, date nights, even a 30-minute mini-date in the kitchen after you put the kids to sleep. This is one of the things I think my wife and I have done well.
Every year, we try to get away for our anniversary. We try to get away for little dates. When our kids were really young, we didn’t have the time or the money to go out. We were both working hard, doing a lot of different things. So we’d take a little mini-date. We’d put the kids to bed, and once they were finally settled, we’d sit down in the kitchen, have a snack, and just talk. That’s how we found time together.
Whatever it is you do, steal those moments, take advantage of them. Don’t let other things distract you. Make those getaways a priority, whether it’s a full weekend or just a 30-minute moment you can steal together. You need quality time together to really build and maintain that relationship.
20. Don’t love only how you want to be loved.
Learn what makes them feel the most loved, and do that.
Sometimes the way I feel loved isn’t the same way my wife feels most loved. For me, my wife’s help around the house is much appreciated, but it doesn’t make me feel more loved. I feel more loved when she gives me time and affection. For my wife, when I’m serving and helping out around the house, it makes her feel so loved.
So one way I can make her feel loved is by helping out more around the house. One of the ways she can make me feel loved is by stopping what she’s doing around the house and paying attention to me. Learn how they tick, then serve them and love them in the way they feel loved.
So there you have it, 20 things I’ve learned in 20 years of marriage. I hope you can take something from it. But I want to hear from you: what have you learned in marriage and relationships? Drop it in the comments below.
